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'I'M IN A McFLURRY!'
Sometimes it's dead hard being a celeb, you know. The other day, me and my friend Kelly Marie (the one with the Shayne Ward tattoo on her perineum) was standing outside Mucky Ds, right, picking the blue Smarties out of our McFlurries and flicking them at people, when this BITCH comes out of nowhere and says 'You! Slag!'. Well, I've never been so insulted in my life, so I smacked her right in the piehole with me 'I HEART MUM' sovvy ring. Through a mouthful of broken teeth, she then went onto say 'No, I meant, you're KATIE SLAG! You're my favourite columnist!.' I 'ad to sign her gums before she'd leave me alone!
Oh well, it just shows that everybody reacts differently to the pressures of fame. And I like to use the age-old method of mindless violence.
FAGS FOR NOTHING
OMG I was talking to my grandma, who is like 33 and old enough to remember something called 'Rod Hull and Emu' and she says that once you could actually smoke in pubs. Well I say bring it back! Why shouldn't I go down to me local family carvery and breathe second hand Lambert and Butler on some babies? It's a fucking free country, innit? Come on, give cigs a chance! They're harmless! Do the government not know that blue WKD tastes shit without a fag? Come on David Camera, you donkey, stop leaving your kid in the toilet and BRING BACK FAGS!
ASK KATIE
Dear Katie,
I really like the gold jewellery you're wearing in your pic. Can you tell me where you got it?
Dawn Bench, Rotherham
Hiya Dawn - I got it from a bloke with one eye called Mad Jim, who sells knock off stuff in the toilets at Razzer's Fun Pub in Stockport. Knock twice on the second cubicle, give him £50 an he'll shove it under the door. Happy shoppin'!
Have you got a question for Katie? She's waiting to answer all your questions about life, love and everything, so send your query, (along with a nail file and a pack of johnnies) to:
Ask Katie, Stockport Remand Centre, Murderway, Stockport, SK1 ASBO.
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