RITA ROCKET'S PSYCHIC POSTBAG

Rita, in a rare moment between Hob Nobs

Hello there! I'm Rita Rocket, the UK's least renowned psychic. You know, some people think that being a psychic involves sitting on the sofa all day eating biscuits and making up crap, but nothing could be nearer to the truth! Honestly, it's a riot in my head some days, what with Genghis Khan playing that accordion and Percy Thrower running around with that fucking lawnmower (if you'll pardon my French). And when Donald Sinden and Windsor Davis start arguing over who was the REAL star of Never The Twain, I swear, I feel like cutting my head off with a chainsaw!

Of course, traditional medicine has some weak explanation for this phenomenon, called 'schizophrenia'  - but I know I'm receiving genuine messages from the dead.  So why not write to me and I'll try to contact your loved ones - when I've finished eating this packet of Hob Nobs!
(Editors Note: Rita regrets she cannot reply to every letter as she is a lazy trout)




Dear Rita
My family was mauled to death by wild cats on a safari holiday last year, and since then I've been very depressed. It's getting so I can't get out of bed in the morning, and I would really like to know that they're all OK in the afterlife. 


Occasionally, I feel like I'm being watched, but I don't know whether it's my dead family or whether it's paranoia brought on by all the anti-depressants I'm taking. Please help me. 


Carrie Nation-Street, Lytham St Annes


Rita says:

Oh dear, you have have been in the wars! Well, actually I'm getting something here from my Ethiopian spirit guide (and live-in lover) Brian. I think it's your mother - Dave? Alison? Carol? Honestly, the silly cow sounds like she's chewing a brick! She says you should have your U-bend fixed as she foresees a leak. I'm also getting cold shivers down my spine and a terrible image of tigers. That could be because the heating isn't on and I'm watching the Discovery Channel, but I think it's more likely that it's your family trying to contact me from the spirit world. Someone is screaming 'HELP! TIGERS!' Does that mean anything to you? They're saying they weren't very happy about being torn limb from limb, but they're happy now, playing whist with Thora Hird and hanging out at the 'club' with Biggie Smalls. Also, your Auntie Joan has a message for you. She's saying something about Hob Nobs, she says you need to pop to the shops and get Rita some Hob Nobs. She says to hurry and make sure you get the chocolate ones. Is that OK, love? Cheers.